Recognizing a Narcissist

In light of Mental Health Awareness Month and recent events, I think it’s best to start a discussion on a disorder that is pretty common and can often be mistaken for a personality trait rather than a disorder: narcissism.

Most commonly, this disorder is found in men, but women can have it too. Narcissists are dangerous to be in a relationship with. They have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. You could corner them in a room and present them with a truckload of evidence on their behaviors and how it’s harmful or hurtful to others, and they will try to claw their way through the wall or corner you’ve put them in. When their hands become bloody or raw from clawing through the wall, they will then blame you and quickly become the victim because, “look what you made me do.”

They use every chance they can to make you think that their bad behaviors or things they did are your fault. They will isolate you from friends and family. They will say you’re unapproachable or hard to talk to. Their main goal is to isolate you so they can more easily manipulate you. They will drive a wedge between you and anyone who means you well or loves you for fear of not being the center of your attention at all times and also because it’s harder to manipulate people who have healthy relationships with others.

You will never be good enough for a narcissist. When you feel like you’re close to meeting their expectations, approval, or acceptance, they will promptly move the goalposts every time, making you think you’re not good enough and that anything you do will never be enough. They will poke and prod you to the end.

It is difficult to understand their intentions because sometimes they appear to be charming with their phony behaviors and sweet words, but then they start to showcase their boastful attitudes and super-inflated self-esteem. They are extremely manipulative, selfish, demanding, and entitled. It’s important to note that you cannot control or neutralize an individual’s narcissistic behavior. Therefore, you must be able to spot them and their behaviors and disarm them quickly. When dealing with a narcissist, you must be aware and in control of your emotions at all times, be firm, and avoid feeding their egos. Do not take responsibility for their actions. You are not responsible for their thoughts and actions. If you stay consistent in ignoring them, they will eventually fizzle out.

Avoid ultimatums. They love to put you in situations like, “choose me or your family.” Ultimatums are particularly unhealthy for any relationship. Someone who loves you and truly cares for you will never make you choose. Narcissists love attention, especially negative attention. Stay in control of yourself, recognize the behaviors, and do not give them what they are seeking. They prey on empathetic people. Maintain clear and firm boundaries. Do not give in; you will only continue to run on a hamster wheel, never really going anywhere with them.

Narcissists are unable to distinguish between entitlement and intrusion or intrusive thoughts. As a result, they may use manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, stonewalling, demanding, tricking, or asserting to get what they want. They will try to overpower you and dominate the relationship. You will never win with them as they are extremely unreasonable. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, so don’t even try. You will only make yourself crazy and possibly end up hurt or hurting yourself in the end because they are master manipulators.

The best way to deal with them is to not deal with them. Get far away quickly and work on you. Try to figure out how to rebuild your self-esteem. Work on yourself and learn to recognize in yourself the reasons that made you attracted to them in the first place. Working on yourself and completely cutting them off is the only way to remain mentally healthy and maintain healthy relationships with people around you.

It is important to note that I am not a doctor, but I am fluent in psychological disorders from a personal standpoint (as a victim and family member to many) as well as taking quite a few classes in college specific to behavioral and mental health disorders. If you need help, ask for it. Seek help immediately! Do it for your children! Do it for the people who love you! Do it for yourself! You matter!

Love always,

Jennifer