What I’ve learned in these last couple of weeks is, when death happens by suicide (I hate that word, so we’ll call it self-assisted transition—thank you, Joi, for new ways and words of coping), there are so many ‘whys’. People look to blame someone or something. The truth is, it’s very complex. Feelings are complex. I’m sure there are lots of things or people to blame. I do wonder, though, what was that one feeling or thing that felt inescapable for Dameon? Was it one thing or many things? What was his final straw that particular day? I’ll always wonder. I’ll always wish I could’ve told my sweet boy that that moment in time was temporary. We could’ve changed it all. We could’ve worked on whatever it was. But I can’t. Death is final, and I’ll always hold some blame for that. I’m a mom; that’s what we do. No matter if it was my fault or not, and if it helps anyone else in their grief to blame me, then do it! Blame me! That’s okay. I’ve already done it, time and time again. I’m strong. I will carry that burden. I’m 100% positive that he knew I loved him and would do anything for him.
At this point, I’m almost three months into my grief. I am still working on me. I spend every day looking for some kind of glimmer of hope or any silver lining I can find, no matter how small. I wish I could tell you this is getting easier. The more pieces I get to this giant puzzle, sometimes the worse it’s been. Last week was a giant setback for me, filled with profound sadness. There are going to be days like that, though. I’m trying so hard to be gentle with myself and everyone around me. I know everyone grieves differently, and for me, writing has been a positive outlet. I encourage you to write in a journal or in the notes on your phone, even as thoughts arise. It helps to let it out, whether those thoughts get shared with others or not. I am trying to find any means I can of positive grief. Although those words feel like such an oxymoron. What could ever be positive about grief? What matters most, though, is we’re still here. I’m still here, working through it. I’m going to honor my son in every way possible, never letting his memory die. Healing is slow, steady steps and trying to have more good days than bad, and lastly, keeping this page alive and sharing for all the broken-hearted moms, dads, brothers, sisters, and anyone else this could possibly comfort.
I’m here with you. You’re not alone. I’m holding you in my thoughts, sending you strength and positive energy.
Love always,
Jennifer